Here's something heartbreaking. Anthony is showing just how well he understands that something is VERY different and wrong in our home. He's taken to staring at her photos and saying "My sister" when he sees them. He'll even give her a kiss. The past 3 nights, he's insisted on going to bed with her photo under his arm. Tell me that doesn't pull at your heart strings and make you want to cry. He's been so amazing through all this.
This kid has shown just how strong he is. He's gone from dealing with a pregnant momma to having to basically live in a hospital to living at home for the week days with just his papa (going to daycare during the day, nights alone with papa) and living at the Ronald McDonald house on the weekends, spending the whole day cramped up in a tiny room the size of our living room and dining room with 2 tables and lots of other people coming and going. And when we were in final stages of Bailey's short life, he was living almost 18 hours a day in the hospital (luckily there were other kids to play with from time to time and a few play areas on the lower levels. When we came back home, he had the hardest time sleeping back in his crib and sleeping through the night. Everyone he was used to was back, but he knew there was a huge change. The first week back home, we were always on the go. Making plans for a wake and funeral, buying this and that, getting things together and making sure that we had everything in order for her burial, and all the aftermath from all that. That's a lot for a kid. Luckily he's started sleeping through the night almost every night and getting through the day without seeing his momma lose her wits. I admit I still get super short with her, but I have to struggle and tell myself that its not his fault that Bailey is gone. She's watching out for him now. He's not at fault for my pain, he's the reason that I can function as well as I can.
He's showing so much strength, its crazy to see that he's so amazing. He's learning so many words, putting them together in logical sequence, and communicating pretty well what he wants and everything. We've even given potty training a try and with the use of the new Huggies Slip Ons (I laughed when they made these, but they are GREAT for potty training! Like Pull Ups but much cheaper!), we've made a lot of progress. He notices when he has to go and he doesn't like it when his diaper is wet at all. He loves going potty in the chair because he knows he's going to get praised and his diaper will stay dry. We are thinking about switching to underwear before a real long time. We have tons of size 3 diapers, but we might just put them off to the side for now. He's been doing so great with it. He still tends to forget when he's got other things going on, but for the most part, diapers last a LOT longer now. Its great to be able to say that I can make a box of diapers last a month!
He's grown out of all his 12 month stuff (He's sprouted up a little bit!) and doesn't fit into almost all his 18 month onesies. He's in almost all 24m/2T stuff, but its still too big around. For now, we love the adjustable waist on things, but if they don't have that kind of waist band, I use a clip that is meant for keeping your sheets on your bed and clip that on the belt loops. It works, looks like a belt, and we don't have to worry about them slipping down. They are too long, but that just means that he'll get to wear them for a while. Last time we weighed him (about a month ago?) he was 25 lbs pretty much on the dot. Going to have to do it again soon because he's starting to get a little bit of a belly. It pretty much appears when he is done eating and goes away through the day between meals. He's still super scrawny though. No idea where he gets it from.
Nothing too big to report right now. He has his birthday party on Nov 20th, so I'll have to remind myself to post after that. I can't wait to see him swimming and see how he reacts to it all now!
Thanks for hanging in there, dealing with our crazy lives, and the love and support. Its been a tough time since Bailey, but we are getting along ok.
Bailey would have been 3 months old on the 13th. We remembered by me going out to her headstone and putting back her flowers. I had to take them out because the vase on her headstone had moved. We aren't sure why, but to make sure that it wouldn't move again because of the flowers, we took them out and waited to put them back until there was some time between when they remounted it and we put them back in, making sure the stuff had a better chance to set up. I was there when the guy was pretty much done assembling and installing her headstone, but I hung back. It was just me in the car (Anthony passed out in the back seat) and just seeing that headstone made me lose it. It somehow made it all the more real that she's gone and instead of holding her, I have this cold granite stone heart with a bear to hold and talk to. They did an amazing job. I love the foot prints and the image on the bottom of the heart. Helps make it all the more real that she was here, she was alive, she was even here long enough that she got a social security card before her diagnosis was in. We even went back out on the 15th (Remembrance Day) with a princess balloon and put her name and the date for the miscarriage on there and released it. I didn't get a chance to get a good photo because the wind was crazy strong and ended up blowing the balloon across the cemetery and into the neighbor's trees. By the time we drove around to their property line, the balloon was gone. I'd like to believe that it made it out and made it up to her. I know it probably didn't, but let me believe what I want.
I look at her photos all the time and wonder where she would fit into our family right now. When Adam and Anthony are chasing each other in the house, what would us girls be doing? Would she be like her brother and attatch herself to me or would she be closer to her papa? What milestones would she have reached by now? Would she still have that amazing copper red hair? What kind of personality would she be showing us? If she hadn't died in the NICU, would she be home now? What would she have been like if she hadn't needed the NICU at all? How would life be different? But most of all, would I be as thankful for what I have if she would have lived? That last one, I'm not too sure. But I know I would give anything to have her back and my family whole again. Breaks my heart that she's gone. Its a sad and isolating thing, infant loss is. People get uncomfortable talking to you about their kids, the child you lost, the circumstances, etc. They even stop talking to me altogether, which just hurts. I don't know if they understand just how badly I want people to talk about her. I might cry or I might freeze when talking about her, but let me know that you haven't forgotten. I know I haven't. I know I never will. Don't avoid me. That just makes me wonder if you were ever a friend at all.
I'm not going to clutter up the kids' blog with any of the rest of this. I have another blog (or two) for that.
I'm going to end by saying, I love you, kids. You are an amazing addition to my life, all three of you. I never got to meet or hold my "oldest", but I've been much more aware of that loss when we lost you. Anthony, you have kept Momma and Papa going through some of the hardest days. Keep it up lil man, we love you for the smiles you make us smile! Bailey, You will always be my lil lady. I'll never forget the whole pregnancy, the birth that showed me that I CAN give birth naturally, even when the contractions are out of control and that last one is 30+ minutes long. You also showed me the strength I can draw upon when it comes to my family. I now appreciate everything SO much more. I miss my angels who are gone and love them JUST AS MUCH as the one I get to hold daily. Thank you for blessing me. God, you've done a great job in giving me amazing kids. I pray that you bless me with more amazing miracles to help shape my life into what you want me to be. I try not to ask "Why?" because that's something only you know, but I'll try to remember to say my Thanks, even though I don't know why things are going the way they are.
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